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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Why...

I have pretty much stopped asking myself the question "why" as it relates to the reason why Matt was killed, and why things happen they way they do. But what I want to know is, why are some days so much harder than others?

Today has been difficult. Not every moment of today, but many of the moments, and it's not like anything significant has happened, or that it's a special day. I just am missing Matt something awful lately, and today in particular, I've had some difficult moments. I should be thankful that these moments aren't back to back and constant like they were in the beginning.

It's probably things like Begindergarten, and Sydney saying more and more words - even small sentences, that are a trigger. I'm sure I'm just going to have these moments for the rest of my life for no good reason, except for the simple fact that I miss him. I miss him. I miss him awful.

7 comments:

Michelle said...

(((hugs))) I'm sorry you're having a rough day. That sounds similar to how things went for me- eventually the really hard days started getting further apart. I still have moments where I break down crying, and I always will- but it has gotten so much better (for me, and my mom too). Hang in there.

Jackie said...

May your crappy day end with a smile on your face, sweetie. I hate those days, but I am glad that they are getting fewer and farther between. Maybe it's nature's way of letting us grieve in smaller doses rather than an unbearable chunk at once? Ride it out and it'll be better tomorrow or the next day...

Rick said...

I know exactly what you are going through. It's all part of this crappy grieving process. I still miss Maxine terribly and I just can't believe she is gone, like you said. I look at pictures of her and also say "why"???. It does get better. I do mix in some good memories in between the bad now. I have noticed that I have gotten better monthly especially after my 6 month and 7th. Remember also Andrea that your getting close to the six months which is a BIG DEAL!!, it was for me, I also felt the same way and had LOTS of unanswered questions. Just keep moving forward. By the looks of your blog you are blessed with MANY outstanding people!! You are ALWAYS in my prayers. Matt and Maxine's pictures are near my door to remind me to say a quick prayer every morning on the way out for them plus yourself and your family!!

Star said...

I have been having a rough time lately too. I think it comes and goes. At least that's what people tell me and helps me get through the rough days.

eastmoormom said...

i think i really like what Jackie said....

AndreaRenee said...

Thank you. It helps so much to hear your thoughts and experiences, and just to know you guys are there and making it through. I'm so sorry that you all have the same pain, but I'm thankful that we can be here for each other. This sucks.

jeana said...

((((HUGS))))) and I'll just ditti what Jackie said because it is everything I wanted to say just put togther better