My photo
Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Six Months.

I lost the love of my life six months ago today. I can't believe it's been six whole months - half a year since I've seen him, talked to him, touched him. I miss him more than mere words can express.

The thought that my children are not going to grow up with their daddy is still unbearable, as is the thought that Sydney won't remember him at all, and Jacob's memories will get foggy and some will fade. I'm still haunted by the images in my mind of what he must have endured during his last moments. What his body went through, what he was thinking and feeling...

The senselessness of Matt's death is something I will never get over. Never. The thought of it stirs a rage in me that's nearly impossible to suppress. I'm angry for his mother, that she lost her youngest child. I'm angry for his father and brothers who feel like it should have been one of them instead. I'm angry and sad for everyone else who is affected by his loss. I'm pissed at the company for letting this happen. A completely preventable, avoidable accident. I hope in time I can get over the anger and maybe find some forgiveness in my heart, but I don't see that happening anytime soon just yet.

I am grateful that I had him in my life for ten wonderful years. During that time, we both were so appreciative of our awesome relationship and the love we shared. It seemed so good, that it was always in the back of my mind that it couldn't possibly last. I was always afraid something horrible was going to happen to him, because I knew that if something ever ended our relationship, it would not have been from a break up. I did my best to never take him for granted, although I know there were times when I did.

One time, during our last weeks together, I laid my head on his chest and listened to his heart beat. I thought to myself, "I have to soak this up."

I'm glad I appreciated the little things, because it's all those little things that I miss the most.

13 comments:

Angela said...

Much love, Andrea! I'm sure these milestone days are extra rough. Hug those babies tight and lean on your friends to make it through. We all love you!

Ashley said...

My heart goes out to you and your children. I cannot imagine your hurt and your pain and your loss.

Eventually the hurt will heal, eventually a scar will form and though it will always be a little tender and painful from time to time, scars are there to remind us that the past is real, and that will make your scar all the more beautiful. Because it sounds like you truly had something that is so very worth missing.

Cammie said...

Thinking about you and the kids today Andrea.
xoxo
Cammie

Melissa said...

(((bigs HUGS))) my Friend. You and your family are in my thoughts daily. I am truly amazed by your strength.

XOXO

Rick said...

:-~(

I am sorry Andrea....

May you always remember that heartbeat...

jennster said...

i am so sorry for your loss and i think everything you write about is SO normal... heartbreakingly normal.

Kelly said...

Love and hugs to you and your babies, friend. <3

jeffra said...

I always look forward to your heartfelt posts. I am so sorry you have to go down this path. It should never have happened. I think of you often and wish you strength.

Danielle said...

I am so glad that you have so many great memories of him and share them with us. Because of you I remember to hug my daughter more often. I am sure Matt is looking down thinking how very proud he is of you.

Tara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tara said...

I sympathize with you on such a close level. I also lost my sweet husband (father to my two kids) 8months ago... know that I prayed for you as I read your blog!! THanks for being so honest with your feelings and thoughts...
God bless!

Roads said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds simply appalling.

Six months is a long time. It's so hard, and I wish you all the best that can be wished.

-amanda said...

I don't even know how I found your blog, but I have been thinking about you and your family a lot lately. I went back and found your entry after your husband died. I really cannot imagine how hard these 6 months have been or what you have been through. But you seem like a strong woman and all I can do is send you all my best wishes, hoping that your life will be full of new surprises and new corners to turn. They won't make the loss of your husband any easier, but maybe they will give you something new to live for. You and your children are in my prayers. xo