I've been told a few times not to make any major decisions for one year. I am *this* close to putting my house on the market and moving across the country. I guess I need to hear from some other people who have been there what their experience is with this sort of thing. Anyone?
I understand it's normal to want to leave and get a fresh start, and this is my primary motivation for doing this. Also, my brother, his wife and two kids live in California. I haven't lived near my brother in about 20 years. He is wonderful, and I know that he'll be a great male role model in my kids' lives. Jacob absolutely adores his Uncle Bryan, and they share a love for riding bikes. Also, Matt's parents and brothers live on the west coast - not in California, but close enough that we could take either an hour and a half flight to get there, or a long drive. Visits would be more frequent. There's a lot of potential to get a good job in my field. I've got a couple of friends out there already, and I can make more friends easily. There are a ton of fun things to do out there, and the weather is pretty much guaranteed to be great.
I'm feeling some sense of urgency about it, too. I'm not pretending to be financially or economically saavy, but all I know is right now, the market is down in California, and up in New York - ideal for such a move. The things that Matt took care of around here are going to go to hell in my care, so if I stay here another year with the intention of trying to "take my time," I can tell you it probably won't be in nearly as good of condition for a sale. Working full time and taking care of two small kids doesn't leave a whole lot of time to spend the two and a half hours it takes to mow all the lawn, not to mention all the other maintenance stuff around here. My intentions not too long ago were to take care of it all, and do it as best as I could. I really wanted to. But I'm finding that it's at the cost of my time with my kids, and time I need for myself. And my sanity. I just simply can't function here anymore.
Matt grew up in California until he was 14 years old when he moved back to the east coast with his parents. It was a rough adjustment for him - he thoroughly enjoyed his childhood in San Diego and always intended to move back somewhere on the west coast someday. He wanted his children to grow up like he did - being able to be outside whenever they wanted, and not cooped up in a house because of the weather. When I really think about it, it's kind of funny that I've been living here as long as I have... I relied on Matt to play outside with the kids in the winter because I hate being cold. No matter how much I bundle up, I end up frozen and I just don't have fun doing outdoor winter activities. I even got a tattoo of a palm tree and a sun in my early twenties to remind me there are places on this earth that are warm, sunny and tropical, even when it's cold and miserable here.
Thing is, my house was built by my husband. He was a total perfectionist, so it's extremely well built. If a tornado whipped through the area, this house would still be standing. It has everything you would want in a house. It's absolutely beautiful. The only thing missing is him, and I don't want to live in here without him. I don't want to live in this town without him. Hell - I don't want to be on this side of the country without him. Everything I do, everywhere I go, even where I work, and everyone I associate with... he should be a part of it all. I kinda feel like if our lives have to change with losing Matt, then everything needs to change. I remember thinking when all this was fresh, "How am I supposed to go about a 'normal' routine ever again? Nothing should ever go back to normal."
In a way, I realize that I would be in essence trying to "escape," but so what if I am? Is that so bad? I'm not trying to escape him, but my intentions would be to try to build a life of my own that wasn't scripted to include him. I feel like I'm being completely selfish, though - trying to make a fresh start for myself, but taking my kids away from their cousins and friends, and everything that's familiar to them when they probably need familiarity the most. Jacob is supposed to start kindergarten this fall. Screwing up is one thing, but screwing them up is my biggest fear, which is pretty easy to do in any situation, but we're dealing with some monumental issues here.
I have so much support and love from everyone in this area... friends, my sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, my parents, yet I still want to leave. I must be crazy. There is quite a bit working out in my favor to make this move, though, and I feel like I should be listening to whatever force is pushing me out there. I've been reminded that it's not permanent; if it doesn't work out, I can always move back. But who wants to move across the country more than once? (Actually, my brother did it, and Matt's parents did it, so I guess it can be done...) I feel like if I don't do it, I'll always wonder if I would have been happier. The thought of moving is what has been keeping me going lately... I'm the kind of person that needs to "do" in order to feel like I'm effectively solving a problem. I know there's nothing that can be done to ever fix this, but this is the only thing I can really "do" to possibly improve my situation.
Enough rambling... I suppose I just need reassurance, once again, that I haven't completely lost my mind and that I'm not making a huge mistake. Matt was always the voice of reason and came up with the most practical solutions. I wish I had him to talk to about this.