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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Getting philosophical here... look out.

I've always been the type of person that is cautious with just about everything I say and do. I consider the consequences in every action I take, and am careful to not make mistakes or do anything I will regret.

Lately, I find myself questioning how much life that allows me to live by living so cautiously. I find myself wanting to reach outside my comfort zone and spread my wings. I'd like to think I still have both feet firmly planted on the ground with my head completely together, but the cautious side of me is wondering if this is one of the stages of grief.

What is so wrong with really wanting to live, instead of just exist? That's the question I'm asking myself...

I'm having some internal struggle right now - not the good vs. evil one I normally have, but exist vs. live, and what that means to me. If I have an opportunity for happiness again, do I grab on with both hands? Do I stay safe within my normal bounds and possibly miss a rare opportunity? I don't want to be confined anymore to the four walls I've made for myself. I want to experience more, and if that means making some mistakes, then I guess I'll have to take the bad with the good.

I want to teach my children to live life to the fullest - not by taking stupid risks, but by taking a chance on opportunities that present themselves to really get the most out of the gifts that have been given to us. Either I've finally started to get it, or I've officially lost my mind.

Are these chances worth taking? What, really, is there to lose? My heart has already been broken as much as it can be. I've already somehow survived one of the worst things that could ever happen in life. It has to only go up from here - possibly some happiness and fulfillment, maybe a little fun. I wonder if this is what Matt would want for us.

6 comments:

Cammie said...

I think Matt would want that for you. And I think you will get to that point eventually.

Rick said...

Definitely part of the grieving process!! You do what you feel is the right thing!! Life is a big "chance" and tomorrow is a dream. You'll know its right because Matt will be telling you deep inside your heart, you'll actually feel it!!! Remember, Matt is always with you, and knowing him, he'll MAKE SURE he has a say in your decisions!! Anyway, your a SPECTACULAR mother and GOD will watch over you because of that!!!

Angela said...

Of course Matt would want you to be happy and enjoy your life, Andrea. Rick said it best..."life is a big chance and tomorrow is a dream". So true. Live your life to the fullest every day....it's the best gift you can give yourself, your children and to honor Matt.

Jackie said...

I've had this sensation as well. Maybe it is part of the grieving process, maybe it is part of lsoing your mind, maybe it's part of coping and maybe it is part of seeing the truth in life. Isn't there a cheesy Trooper song that says, "we're here for a good time, not a long time." It's so true and after experiencing such pain and loss, I think it is easier to really grasp that. So spread your wings and soar!

Jorie said...

I think Jacob and Sydney are so blessed that you have this perspective on life and are embracing existence and teaching them to live fully.

Island Roys said...

I think it's a great idea. What a concept that some people never think about - actually living, doing good and making a difference instead of just being. I think you will make the most of each opportunity and learn and share with others. I have appreciated reading all your past posts and have found you to be an incredible person. I think you are right on and if you are willing to do new things (not the stupid risks) it will help you learn things about your self that you might not have learned in a different situation.