I've always been the type of person that is cautious with just about everything I say and do. I consider the consequences in every action I take, and am careful to not make mistakes or do anything I will regret.
Lately, I find myself questioning how much life that allows me to live by living so cautiously. I find myself wanting to reach outside my comfort zone and spread my wings. I'd like to think I still have both feet firmly planted on the ground with my head completely together, but the cautious side of me is wondering if this is one of the stages of grief.
What is so wrong with really wanting to live, instead of just exist? That's the question I'm asking myself...
I'm having some internal struggle right now - not the good vs. evil one I normally have, but exist vs. live, and what that means to me. If I have an opportunity for happiness again, do I grab on with both hands? Do I stay safe within my normal bounds and possibly miss a rare opportunity? I don't want to be confined anymore to the four walls I've made for myself. I want to experience more, and if that means making some mistakes, then I guess I'll have to take the bad with the good.
I want to teach my children to live life to the fullest - not by taking stupid risks, but by taking a chance on opportunities that present themselves to really get the most out of the gifts that have been given to us. Either I've finally started to get it, or I've officially lost my mind.
Are these chances worth taking? What, really, is there to lose? My heart has already been broken as much as it can be. I've already somehow survived one of the worst things that could ever happen in life. It has to only go up from here - possibly some happiness and fulfillment, maybe a little fun. I wonder if this is what Matt would want for us.