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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Love

Before I met Matt, I was convinced I was destined to be alone - never to find the right man for me because I was pretty sure he didn't exist. I had resigned myself to that, and because it was so important to me to have children someday, I planned to either get artificially inseminated by the time I was 35, or find some cute guy with good genetics as a "donor."

I'm 35. I got my beautiful children, and here I am alone. Is this my destiny? To be without a man in my life? It took me 25 years to meet Matt. I was so thankful that I didn't have to be lonely anymore. So thankful I didn't have to be in the hellish dating scene ever again. So thankful I had such a good man to raise my children with, and to grow old with.

I know I shouldn't try to make sense of anything that's happened in the past four months, but I can't help but go there in my head. The only thing that makes sense, is that I'm glad I loved the way I did, and was loved the way I was. Except, the deeper the love, the deeper the pain. I guess I should consider myself lucky to be in such agony, huh? If I knew the outcome would be the same, I'd have still married Matt. I'd have done all of it all over again.

Even though I knew Jeff for six years, I'm glad I got to know him better the past six months so that I could really appreciate the person he was. I wouldn't have learned half of the great things about him otherwise. I probably wouldn't feel the void as much as I do. Should I be thankful for that, too?

Part of me thinks that as blessed as I have been with love, I don't know if I want to set myself up for more pain in the long run. I don't know if I could survive it. There are lots of people out there that never get to experience in a lifetime the kind of love that Matt and I had in our ten short years together. That ten years might have to last me a lifetime.

2 comments:

Carrie Lynn Fazzolari said...

I suppose the gratitude you have over your love is the gift you received at having loved and lost. None of it makes sense otherwise. Just remember, good people attract good people - you may or may not find another "love of your life" but you will be continually surrounded by love your entire life. That's positive, right? Good post.

Cammie said...

No matter where the rest of your life takes you Andrea, you will never have another love like Matt--that love gave you your beautiful babies and it can never be replaced. But, I believe that you will always have that love with you!