Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I hate this ache in me. I hate this emptiness. I hate that I have to live the rest of my life without Matt. I hate that I have to raise our children without him. I hate that I don't have his arms around me, and his lips to kiss me. I hate that I'm so lonely. I hate that I'm in my prime, and it's going to waste. I hate that I'm grasping onto any emails, cards, etc. that he's written me so I can try to remember his words and hear his voice. I hate that every time I think about him I feel like I got kicked in the stomach at the thought that he's gone. I hate that his company made such STUPID mistakes. I hate that I wish it had been someone else that made a lesson out of their fuck ups. I hate that company. How stupid could those smart engineers be??? I hate that my attorney isn't doing his job, and that I end up having to tell him what to do. I hate that I was such a bitch to Jeff before his illness, and that I didn't call Matt at 4am like I wanted to. I hate that I surf the net, hoping to find... what? Some kind of answer? I hate that something like registering my sweet boy for kindergarten wasn't a completely happy experience because of all the sympathetic looks I got, and that I couldn't tell Matt about it. I hate that my kids are going to be "those" kids that lost their dad. I hate that I am so sad, and have to put on a happy face for my kids, and my co-workers, and my friends, and my family so that I don't worry everyone to death and bring everyone down. I hate feeling this way. I hate that I sound so selfish. I hate being this angry. I hate my life.