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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Flashbacks

My life with Matt is slowly flashing before my eyes. Every day, some old memory that had been stored way in the back of my mind somehow resurfaces.

I was pregnant with Jacob, and Matt and I were sitting at the dinner table. I had been thinking about how at that point we had been together for about six years, and after this baby is born, our lives will change forever and will always involve our children. I said to him something like,

"Just think... Our life together before kids is going to be just a tiny blip. Isn't that crazy?"
Turns out, our life together before kids was longer than our life after kids. That's not at all how it was supposed to be.
Jacob and I drove the back roads to preschool this morning in an attempt to avoid construction. There was a time when Jacob would always mention that those were some of the roads that he and Daddy rode their bikes on. He hadn't mentioned that in a while, and I asked him if he remembered that, and he didn't. It broke my heart. He's starting to forget things already. Things that he and Matt did together. I mention Matt every day, and try to dig up and revive the memories for him. I'm just not doing it fast enough before some get buried.

We were reading a book tonight where the puppy goes to a carnival with his grandparents, and they go on the big slide. I asked Jacob, "Do you remember going on that big yellow slide with Daddy at the church picnic?" He said yes.
But there are times when I mention a memory, when he'll say yes with hesitation. The look on his face tells me that he wants to remember, but he doesn't. Or, maybe he kind of does, but not completely.

My heart aches.

Sydney will never have one single memory of her dad being with her, holding her, helping her take her first steps, say her first words, changing her diapers, giving her baths, making her laugh, feeding her, loving her... He even said the word "cute" to her! Anyone who knows Matt knows that "cute" was not in his vocabulary. Until his sweet baby girl was born. She made pudding out of him.

This was his favorite picture of her. This is one of the pictures he kept in his office.

5 comments:

AndreaRenee said...

Why is Blogger screwing with the spaces between paragraphs again?!

The Hollis Family said...

Andrea I don't have any words of comfort... everything I try to come up with just sounds trivial and cliche. My heart breaks for you, Jacob and Syndey. I just continue to pray that someday soon, your pain will be a little less than it was yesterday. Know you all are in my thoughts each and every day. (((HUGS)))

Split-Second Single Father said...

I am working on a comprehensive listing of widow/er blogs and have just added yours to the list. Please feel free to e-mail me if you know of other blogs that should be listed, or if you do not wish to be listed, at splitsecondsinglefather@yahoo.com. It is so hard to find these blogs through regular web searches, and I would like to help change that. At least for now, there will be a growing, categorized list in at least one place. Thanks for helping others who are on a similar journey. Best regards, 3SF

Cammie said...

thinking of you always.....

Anglea said...

Andrea...you have such great memories of Matt. Your kids will be blessed with those stories for the rest of their lives. You are doing a great job of keeping Matt in their minds....and because of that,he will always be in their hearts! (((HUGS)))