My photo
Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Faking myself out...

When I opened the garage door to pull in after getting home from work, for half a split second when I saw Matt's truck, I thought, "He's home!"

Every once in a while, I'll have that happen when I come across something. For the most part, I've stopped having that split second forgetfulness when I first wake up in the morning. I hate that I'm starting to get used to it. I actually like to lie to myself sometimes and let myself think that this didn't really happen... that he's coming home. I can almost hear the garage door opening, and then the inside door, and then his footsteps coming into the house...

With spring coming, there are more reminders. He usually took care of our three acres of grass, planted the flowers, plants, trees, and maintained them beautifully. He knew everything there was to know about gardening, and our property looked like we hired a professional landscaper. I have what I consider the opposite of a green thumb (black thumb?), and I can just about keep the hardiest of house plants alive. So far, only one has died in my care since he's been gone, but some others aren't looking too good. Hopefully my sister has a greener thumb than me - then maybe these plants will have some hope of survival after she moves in.

I do want to learn, though. I also want to learn how maintain the tractor, and get the mowing deck on and off. I want to learn how to put those perfect lines in the grass like he did (it always looked like a golf course when he got done with it). I want to take on all these responsibilities he took care of. With everything I take on that he used to take care of, I think of him and hope that he approves of the way I'm doing it.

2 comments:

Manda said...

Hi, I just found your blog and have been catching up on your posts. My heart goes out to you and I can't wait to continue reading. I've been trying to muster the courage to start a blog and get some of this nonsense out of my head!
I know it sounds useless, but you'll learn to do all the little things, and you'll always think of Matt. Over time that will become a bittersweet thing instead of just a burning pain.
My thoughts are with you,
Amanda

Cliff Fazzolari said...

I feel that too - still feel as if I dreamed all of this - I'm sure you''re handling everything just fine in Matt's eyes.