Matt was in many of my dreams before he died (yes, even the 'good' dreams still starred Matt!). Now, I've only had a few dreams with him in it, and even in my dreams, I know he's gone. Why would I not dream about him when I want to dream of him the most, and why when I do dream of him, can I just for a moment believe he's still alive and feel some relief?
The first three dreams I had were within the first month or so after he died...
Dream #1: I was in a large room the size of a warehouse with a bunch of people, and the room was divided by a wall of glass. Matt was on one side of the glass with some people, and I was on the other side with some people. I was trying to get his attention - jumping up and down and waving my arms, but he was looking down working on something, although I couldn't tell what he was doing. Nothing I did could get him to look my way. Finally, I asked someone near me, "Why is he not looking at me?!" and she said, "Because he's on the other side - he can't see you from there." Then I thought, "Oh my God. It really is over between us." like we had broken up or something. I cried so hard in my sleep that I woke up sobbing uncontrollably. It was then that I really felt the separation between us for the first time.
Dream #2: In my dream, I was laying in bed just waking up from sleeping in on a Sunday (Matt usually got up with the kids Sunday mornings so I could have a chance to sleep in a little - bless him). I could hear him and Jacob talking in the kitchen. It was so real and so vivid - just like every Sunday morning, and I got SO excited to hear his voice!!! So much so, that I woke up.
Dream #3: Matt was sitting in a chair in front of me, his arms on the arm rests. He was looking right at me. I got so excited to see him, that I woke up. Dammit!!
I saved a lot of posts that I wrote on the message board with the girls, and I've been looking through them lately. I'm amazed at some of the things I wrote - I forgot a LOT (good thing I'm getting better at writing things down now). My heart nearly stopped when I came across these two posts:
10/17/07 - I have an irrational fear of death lately. I'm even having bad dreams more often, too. Last night, I dreamt again of long, skinny tornadoes whipping around, and then black bolts of lightning were all over the sky. This one big, mean black bolt kept following us around (I was trying to protect the kids from it) and hit me. I prayed really hard and then we were OK, but it was terrifying. I don't know if it's the recent deaths of people I know or my upcoming surgery, or maybe a combination of everything that is making me more aware of my mortality or what, but I wish I could shake this awful feeling. How can I get past this? I'm thinking about it way more than I should, and I know it's not healthy. And it's not just a fear of my death, it's the fear of Matt's death or one of my kids.
3/20/06 - Matt nearly broke his neck on Saturday- again! This man is so accident prone! He is always hurting himself either from rollerblading, mountain biking, riding ATV's with his brothers, etc. Somehow he always lands on his head. It's just a good thing he normally wears helmets, but he wasn't wearing one Saturday. He's going to college to get his bachelor's degree in Mechanical Engineering, and he's in his 7th year (because of going part time). For his senior project, him and some other guys are building a "mini baja" which is like a doon buggy that they are going to race in May. He was test driving it Saturday, and ended up flipping it over, and he wasn't wearing a helmet, and they hadn't installed seat belts yet. He landed on his head and hurt his jaw, neck and shoulder, and broke his cell phone. No wonder he didn't answer when I was calling him that afternoon to tell him that Jacob finally said "Daddy." I told him he had better be a little more careful now that he has a family (even though he is the most cautious of his brothers - go figure). I also told him the thoughts that go through my head like how am I going to take care of our kids when I'm pushing him around in a wheelchair and feeding him and changing his diapers because he's a quadriplegic. Or, he'll just end up killing himself, and I'll have to raise our kids alone. He made light of it, but I think I got my point across with him finally. The man has no fear, and it's going to get him killed someday.