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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


Matt was in many of my dreams before he died (yes, even the 'good' dreams still starred Matt!). Now, I've only had a few dreams with him in it, and even in my dreams, I know he's gone. Why would I not dream about him when I want to dream of him the most, and why when I do dream of him, can I just for a moment believe he's still alive and feel some relief?

The first three dreams I had were within the first month or so after he died...

Dream #1: I was in a large room the size of a warehouse with a bunch of people, and the room was divided by a wall of glass. Matt was on one side of the glass with some people, and I was on the other side with some people. I was trying to get his attention - jumping up and down and waving my arms, but he was looking down working on something, although I couldn't tell what he was doing. Nothing I did could get him to look my way. Finally, I asked someone near me, "Why is he not looking at me?!" and she said, "Because he's on the other side - he can't see you from there." Then I thought, "Oh my God. It really is over between us." like we had broken up or something. I cried so hard in my sleep that I woke up sobbing uncontrollably. It was then that I really felt the separation between us for the first time.

Dream #2: In my dream, I was laying in bed just waking up from sleeping in on a Sunday (Matt usually got up with the kids Sunday mornings so I could have a chance to sleep in a little - bless him). I could hear him and Jacob talking in the kitchen. It was so real and so vivid - just like every Sunday morning, and I got SO excited to hear his voice!!! So much so, that I woke up.

Dream #3: Matt was sitting in a chair in front of me, his arms on the arm rests. He was looking right at me. I got so excited to see him, that I woke up. Dammit!!

I saved a lot of posts that I wrote on the message board with the girls, and I've been looking through them lately. I'm amazed at some of the things I wrote - I forgot a LOT (good thing I'm getting better at writing things down now). My heart nearly stopped when I came across these two posts:

10/17/07 - I have an irrational fear of death lately. I'm even having bad dreams more often, too. Last night, I dreamt again of long, skinny tornadoes whipping around, and then black bolts of lightning were all over the sky. This one big, mean black bolt kept following us around (I was trying to protect the kids from it) and hit me. I prayed really hard and then we were OK, but it was terrifying. I don't know if it's the recent deaths of people I know or my upcoming surgery, or maybe a combination of everything that is making me more aware of my mortality or what, but I wish I could shake this awful feeling. How can I get past this? I'm thinking about it way more than I should, and I know it's not healthy. And it's not just a fear of my death, it's the fear of Matt's death or one of my kids.

3/20/06 - Matt nearly broke his neck on Saturday- again! This man is so accident prone! He is always hurting himself either from rollerblading, mountain biking, riding ATV's with his brothers, etc. Somehow he always lands on his head. It's just a good thing he normally wears helmets, but he wasn't wearing one Saturday. He's going to college to get his bachelor's degree in Mechanical Engineering, and he's in his 7th year (because of going part time). For his senior project, him and some other guys are building a "mini baja" which is like a doon buggy that they are going to race in May. He was test driving it Saturday, and ended up flipping it over, and he wasn't wearing a helmet, and they hadn't installed seat belts yet. He landed on his head and hurt his jaw, neck and shoulder, and broke his cell phone. No wonder he didn't answer when I was calling him that afternoon to tell him that Jacob finally said "Daddy." I told him he had better be a little more careful now that he has a family (even though he is the most cautious of his brothers - go figure). I also told him the thoughts that go through my head like how am I going to take care of our kids when I'm pushing him around in a wheelchair and feeding him and changing his diapers because he's a quadriplegic. Or, he'll just end up killing himself, and I'll have to raise our kids alone. He made light of it, but I think I got my point across with him finally. The man has no fear, and it's going to get him killed someday.


Cammie said...

those posts. wow.

Rick said...

WOW!!!, Those are some dreams!! Especially the glass wall!! That is awesome that your dreaming about Matt!!

Split-Second Single Father said...

When I dream about my wife, which is unfortunately rather infrequently, it is always the same. It is her last day and we both know it, but there is nothing I can do to change the outcome. Waking up with that sense of helplessness takes the joy out of seeing her alive again while I sleep.

Anglea said...

Whoa...those posts! The last one gave me chills!

Kelly said...

Cammie said it. Wow.

my two "princes" said...

Hi Andrea,
I've been reading your blog for
only a week or so. I have been wanting to e-mail you since the first time I read it. I followed Matt and Madeline's blog for nine months or so. My computer went on the fritz.I lost all of my favorites when it was fixed. I hadn't read his posts in a while, when I finally did I saw your link. So here I am...

I was in tears literally when I read your story! Not only do I fear that for myself and my kids, but it has really been something on my mind for a few months now. I feel like it's kind of in my mind all the time. The "what ifs", with anyone close to me passing seems to just freak me out. I really don't know what I would do. I am very close to my family, especially my twin sister and my husbands family!

The reason I wanted to contact you was because of a lot of similarities we have. Just reading your posts I can tell I would like you as a person. You would be someone I would be friends with. I'm not an astrology weirdo,but I seem to always get along with Libras. My birthday is October 1,1970, so I'm a Libra too. I met my husband Todd in August of 1998. We got married in May of 2003. We dated for four years before getting married. Our first child (Charlie) was born in September 2004. Our second boy (Will) was born in August 2006. I think our dating and married lives kind of pareralled each other, except they were off by a year.
Anyway, Please don't think I'm strange for e-mailing you. I really am a normal person. I just feel so sad for you and all that you are going through. I sit here and think of what you must be doing to keep busy. I had a friend here visiting this weekend. She lost her Mom in 1984,when we were 14 and her little brother was two. It was her Mom's birthday the other day. She was saying, her brother doesn't even remember his Mom. I started bawling, because all I could think of was my little boys not remembering me or their Daddy and how hard it would be to explain to them that he wasn't coming back.

I'm sure you are going through all the confusing questions, from your four year old especially. I know Charlie has never gone through any kind of loss and he still asks questions all the time. He wants to know how he will stay in heaven? He wants to know if he will be pulled up and why he won't fall out of the sky? Who will be their with many questions and so hard to answer.

I want you to know there are lots of people that you don't even know who are wanting happiness for you! I hope you find peace in knowing this.
I also have blog. It's I haven't updated it in a while. I'm also on Facebook if you want to friend request me. Kari Osborn Kunstorf. I would love to give you any support you need. Promise I'm not a crazy person!! :)

Try to have a good week. Smile at least for your kids, and remember things WILL get better with time.