When we had Matt's memorial service, I was in a daze. Thank God for that shock/numb stage that happens initially when you lose a spouse. Unfortunately, that wears off with time. Going to Jeff's funeral today was not only difficult because, well, it was Jeff's funeral, but because it stirred up so much emotion from Matt's memorial service. It brought it all back, but without that numbing effect. I guess it's sort of like having surgery without anesthesia.
I was wishing Matt was sitting next to me in that church, his hand in mine, me hugging his arm, head resting on his shoulder. I'd give anything for just five more minutes with my love.
I was also thinking there are now five young kids without their dads. Not to mention all the fallen soldiers' kids. There's a lot of dad-less kids out there these days.
Tomorrow, yet another hurdle. I go to a meeting at Cameron about the fundraisers... Walking in that place is a challenge, but I'll do it any chance I get to show my face there. They go about their lives and business as usual, but when I come in, it reminds them about Matt. I don't ever want them to forget. Life as I knew it, and as my kids knew it, will never be the same. I just wish I could stop replaying certain things in my head, like the knock on the door, the look on the officer's face, the words coming out of his mouth...