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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Matt's company has stepped up with setting up a trust fund for Jacob and Sydney's education. As wonderful as that is, and as much as I sincerely appreciate what they are doing for my children, I still can't bring myself to forgive them for what they've taken away from all of us.

They have set up the 5K in Matt's honor to help fund the trust, and they are also planning a golf tournament with the same goal. One of the men at the company who is helping to plan the golf tournament, also happens to be the "safety engineer" for the plant Matt worked at. He is the one that explained to us that it was normal for a test engineer to be in the Plenum Room while the compressor was running. He's also the one that told the police that engineers are not allowed in that room when the compressor is running. He is one of the primary people who should have ensured that the proper safety measures were in place so that an accident like Matt's never happened in the first place. He is one of the people I hold accountable.

He is the one that emailed me about the information for the golf tournament.

Seeing his name in my email inbox made my stomach churn and my blood boil. It took me until last night to finally muster the energy and stomach to respond to his email. I just can't bring myself to "thank" the bastard for the work he's doing on this tournament...

I apologize for the delay in getting back to you. I looked over the flyer, and the only thing I can think of to change is Sydney's name - spelled Sydney (not with an i).

Although I really do appreciate all the work that you are doing to help with this golf tournament, I would appreciate it if Scott is my contact person regarding this event. I can't help but feel angry when I see your name in my inbox considering you are the safety engineer, and Matt died because of the unsafe conditions. I wish I didn't feel that way, but I can't help it.

I do know of several people interested in participating in the tournament. I will give Scott the info in the near future.


On one hand, I hesitated to send the email because it does imply I hold him partially responsible for my husband's death and I'd hate to think he's gonna go and slit his wrists now because of the overwhelming guilt that might be eating him up (if he has any conscience), but on the other hand, the S.O.B. got off REAL easy with that email, and in general.


A.M. said...

I lost my first husband in a car crash while 5 months pregnant. I know you probably have many people around you making suggestions, but I add this one here as someone who has walked through that fire.

It is my experience that such deep, profound loss never goes away. It lives in us, is a part of us. There is no getting over it. We do get on with it, but the grief, I find, comes in waves and always will--bit by bit--as some sort of slow digestion process. Some waves are bigger than others. And of course it is a deluge the first couple of years out.

My heartfelt sympathies for you and your children.

This book was a friend to me in the initial months. It was the only grief book I could stomach being that it was a widow's personal diary rather than some 12-step guide on how to cope.

Companion Through The Darkness: Inner Dialogues on Grief
by Stephanie Ericsson

It is only a recommendation. I don't mean to intrude or presume what you need or what might be helpful to you.


KJLDPL said...

I stumbled upon your blog and I spent the past few days reading and reading. I can not express my sympathy enough, my heart aches for you. I have to say that I am confused, why is it up to the employees to run these fund raisers? Did the company ever step up and offer a REAL settlement? Not just paying for the funeral, not just contributing to a college fund, I mean really make it so that your financial future will be one less thing for you to worry about. And also, when there is a death on the job, how is the safety manager still employed?! I can see how it makes you angry, it got my blood boiling too. You should be compensated by the company not by the employees who are living with guilt. I hope I am not intruding by peeping, I just wanted to let you know you and your children are in my thoughts.

Kelly said...

I'm glad you sent that email. Don't keep it in.

AndreaRenee said...

A.M., I'm so sorry for your loss. I do appreciate the book recommendation. I think any suggestions I get to help better deal with this warrant consideration. Thank you.

KJLPDL, You bring up some really great points. No, they haven't offered any kind of settlement, and the M.F. is still employed by them. Unfortunately, that company is protected by Workers Compensation to keep them from having a lawsuit from being brought against them. As guilty as they are for the death of my husband, they cannot be held legally responsible.