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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Monday, March 23, 2009

3/23/09

Appointment went OK... she asks a lot of questions to get information out of me, which is good for a therapist to do, but I'm not sure where she's going with this stuff. She's not telling me anything I don't already know... I don't know if going to a shrink is really worth it. Honestly, I've been wondering right a long that what they can really do for me. Talking to other widows/widowers has been a much bigger help.

One thing I didn't mention to her (I've just recently started feeling this) is that I'm starting to get a little pissed at Matt for leaving me. I know he had no choice - it's not a logical emotion at all.

As crazy as it sounds, one of the hardest things for me to do lately is grocery shopping. Everywhere I look, I think that I would have been buying that for Matt... the limes for his Corona, the lunch meat he liked, Shredded Wheat cereal, the M&M's, the 2% milk, tuna fish, Sun Chips... Matt would get a handful of M&M's after dinner just about every night, and we're just about to run out of his stash. I miss the sound of his hand rummaging through the container of M&M's. As much as I hate folding laundry, I miss folding his (he did his own laundry a lot of the time, though). Did I mention that the Friday before he died, when I got home from work, I found that he cleaned out the fridge?

We ran out of propane, and I realized I had no idea where to go to get more (I figured it out...).

With spring coming, I've got to learn how to open the pool, and get the tractor ready. I have to find out where he went for mulch. I have to find out where he got the annuals he used to plant (I can never remember the name of them! Actually, they're in the last picture with Sydney in that picture post... anyone want to take a stab at it for me?).

I'm just babbling now, so I'm gonna sign off and cut Jacob's hair... and go to bed early so I can make sense when I talk (or write) tomorrow!

6 comments:

Kelly Syferd said...

I hope your therapist is just trying to get to know you and what you are dealing with and will really be able to help you.
I believe the the flowers are impatiens. :)
xoxo

AndreaRenee said...

YES!! You're right - I couldn't think of what they were called! Thank you!

You're probably right about the therapist, too... I just have no patience.

Kelly said...

Yep - they're impatiens. They come in all kinds of colors and they're really hardy.

About being angry at Matt for leaving. That's normal. I'm no expert, but it's one of the 5 stages of grief. You are on your way to healing. <3 Keep going to that therapist!

Carrie Lynn Fazzolari said...

Flowers, the therapist, gratitude and Jager... and time, doll. Someone said to me, "the sadness you are feeling (over Jeff) is because of the delight he brought to you and so many..." For some reason, that thought seems to help me a little because I am so grateful for those delightful times and I sometimes think that it is okay to be sad (lonely, angry, etc.) because it re-emphasizes just how powerful he really was. I know a brother is not the same as a husband and the loss sits differently, but grief is a blanket sometimes. I don't know what I'm saying, but my therapist told me to find comfort in even the smallest things... hope it works for you too.

mattlogelin said...

one year later and i still hate going to the fucking grocery store.

how do i solve for that?

i don't go to the grocery store anymore.

i go out for dinner.

every night.

i don't offer this as a suggested course of action for you.

it's just what i do.

and yes.

i will be poor soon as a result.

but there is no other course of action for me.

Anonymous said...

I am late to offer my opinion, but only found your blog today. Yes, those flowers are impatiens, and given you didn't know what they were, I find it ironic that you were talking in the same post about being impatient with your therapist!