We are well on our way into 2009... It's been a while since I've updated, but there's just so much to say that I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll begin by saying that I don't like this new life that I need to live, but I will. I'll do it for my kids, and I'll do it with a smile for them. Thank God for them - I'm the luckiest mom in the world. Sydney is 20 months, and she's SO smart. She is empathetic and sweet, counts to three, sleeping in her big girl bed since before Christmas, helps with laundry and even has good manners! She's got a great sense of humor, is a little spitfire and full of spunk. Jacob at 4 1/2 seems more mature, and he is looking more grown up somehow, too. He's got a great imagination and can do amazing things already with tiny lego pieces. He is so much like his daddy - his ability to think outside the box and come up with creative ways to fix things and make things. Poor guy has been sick all winter, and now has an upper respiratory infection. Sydney's on her way for her first one now, too - fun fun.
I don't have the ability right now to put into words just how incredible these kids are, but for those that know them, I don't need to.
I think Matt started a shitstorm of events... one of my best friends had a miscarriage, our friend's brother is battling Hodgkins Lymphoma, another friend of ours had a brain bleed, went into cardiac arrest and is having his own battle for his life right now, and to top it off, one of my other best friend's husbands has a tumor in a lymph node in his neck and we are now waiting to find out if it's benign or if he has Hodgkins Lymphoma, too. Oh - I have atypical cells on my cervix and will probably need a leep in the near future. Sorry - I hate to be all gloom and doom, but it just seems that way lately. Despite all that, I really am trying to stay positive. Really I am (sounds like it, huh?)
I had a couple of wonderful out of state friends come to visit me this past weekend. It was so therapeudic to have them here! We even took at little road trip on Saturday and visited with another friend. I have to say, for having to live my worst nightmare, at least I have the best support system I could ever ask for- I've really got the best friends and family to help us through.
Several people have said to me, "It must be so hard doing everything yourself now" - and my response is always, "I really don't mind at all - that's the easy part. It's this other shit that's hard."
On a daily basis, Jacob either asks or says in statement form, "My Daddy is dead, right?" like he needs constant confirmation to really get it through his head. Yesterday for the first time, he said, "I miss Daddy." Mind you, he said this as he's dancing to the Polar Express's "Hot Chocolate" song... gotta love kids. He's also asked me on several occassions if we can get a new daddy. I don't know why, but this bothers me more than any of his other statements or questions. I don't want him to think anyone can replace his daddy. Ever.
I've been back to work now for a while, but am still not really productive. I don't know how they're still paying me. That's the other thing I'm thankful for - my job, and the people I work with... They're all being so patient, and are also a huge source of support. In fact, I'm getting paid to type this as we speak (shhhhh)! I can only seem to focus on work for short, infrequent spurts. Well, better than nothing, I guess.
I had been seeing a grief counselor for a while, but I really don't think she's doing anything for me. In fact, her soft, passive voice grates on my nerves. When I cancelled my last appointment with her, just hearing her voice over the phone pissed me off. I'd rather spend my $20 copays on something more fun - like new boots, pizza and wings, or a box of wine... Retail therapy, in my opinion, is SO much more effective!