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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Losing It.

My phone went from ringing off the hook to hardly ever ringing. I've gotten to the point where I sort of want to be left alone for a while anyway to catch a breath, but in that same breath, I feel abandoned. No one can seem to say the right thing to me, and if they don't say anything, that's not right either. Damned if they do, damned if they don't. I feel sorry for anyone in my life right now. Hell - I can't stand being around myself these days.

Loneliness is really kicking in, too. I miss having Matt's big, strong arms around me. Funny how the one person I need the most is the one that's not here. The one that is never coming back. How do I do this?! I HATE THIS!!!!!!! Every bit of it.

I did run 3.2 miles today. It felt surprisingly great. Now that it's later in the day, though, a couple of toes on my right foot feel like they're gonna fall off, and my back is killing me (not to mention my knee). Between my aching bones and my new 'widowed' status, I feel like I'm 75 instead of 35. Can't wait to see what I feel like in the morning...

4 comments:

Tracey said...

Lots of (((HUGS))), Andrea. I wish there were some magic words to help you get through this. Just keep living...and it sounds like you are even though you probably don't feel that way. I love the brutual and raw honesty in your blog. Keep in flowing, girl. Just keep writing and leaning on all of us.

Cammie said...

hugs from me too Andrea....and always prayers....

Tori said...

((((Andrea)))) I swear, I wish I could just take it all away and make it feel better. Damn it!! I love you and if you need to talk I'll listen to talk as much as you want and not say a word or just listen to you breath if you just want someone there.

Megan said...

((((HUGE HUGS)))) and lots of prayers!