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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Monday, December 15, 2008

A month today.

It was a month ago today that my life changed forever. Thank God I've lost track of the days being out of work and I didn't realize what day it was until later in the day, because I actually got out of bed for the first time without too much struggle, made the kids pancakes for breakfast and was in a half-way decent mood. I had motivation to go grocery shopping and get some organizing/cleaning done. In a way, it taught me not to dwell on the time milestones of Matt's death (although that'll be hard to do), that each day brings something different, no matter what the date is.

When I look back to how I was dealing with everything a few weeks ago, I really have come a long way in just a month - I'm not crying constantly, I don't feel like driving off a cliff, I'm eating and sleeping (mostly), and I'm starting to get back into the routine of taking my vitamins. I can thank my sister for most of this - she's been on my case constantly reminding me in a loving way that I need to take care of myself. I can actually laugh, too! I am making an appointment to talk to a grief counselor soon - that's something else I need to do for myself, and then I'll see if it's necessary for Jacob to see someone, too. He'll probably need it in the future when he's a bit older than he does right now. He's handling things pretty good. His fear that I'm going to abandon him isn't as bad. A few times when I was going somewhere or when dropping him off at school, he would scream for me not to leave him, clutching my leg. I promised him I was coming back, but it didn't matter. It was like ripping my heart out to leave him, but I had to do it because otherwise, how would he understand that I really am coming back for him?

Today, Jacob said, "I'm gonna blow up Daddy's chair (his recliner in the living room) because he doesn't need it anymore."

I said, "But don't you think of Daddy when you look at it?"

"Yes" said Jacob.

"And don't you feel closer to him when you sit in it?"

"Yes" said Jacob.

"Then, we want to take good care of it and keep it around, right?"

"Yes" said Jacob with a smile.


eastmoormom said...

i love the way you handled your son's comment. i will indeed file that one away.
i have to say that i didn't remember that my husbands one month day is tomrrow until you mentioned yours being today and how it wasn't on your mind first thing....we are amazing beings aren't we? we've been built for this..

Cammie said...

you are such a wonderful mommy Andrea--I also love how you handled his comment. Still thinking about you every day my friend.

jeana said...

YOu are an amazing mother. I think of you every day.

Sarah said...

You handled that comment very well. Thinking of you...

Michelle said...

I'm glad the day went as well as possible. You're making it through this, Andrea. I am praying for the strength you need to get through today, and tomorrow (& every other day) I will do the same.

lisamarie said...

I was thinking of you yesterday and hoping that the day would not be too difficult to get through. You show such amazing courage and love with your kids. I am sending you (((hugs))) each day. I just wish I was there to give them in person.

Bryan Gordon said...

Sis, it great to see you able to put your feelings into words. I can't believe its been more than a month since we lost Matt.

The way you handled Jacob's expression of grief with the chair makes me realize how lucky those kids are to have you as their mother. You showed the little guy compassion and respect for his feelings.

I love you.


ipv6 said...

well said