It was a month ago today that my life changed forever. Thank God I've lost track of the days being out of work and I didn't realize what day it was until later in the day, because I actually got out of bed for the first time without too much struggle, made the kids pancakes for breakfast and was in a half-way decent mood. I had motivation to go grocery shopping and get some organizing/cleaning done. In a way, it taught me not to dwell on the time milestones of Matt's death (although that'll be hard to do), that each day brings something different, no matter what the date is.
When I look back to how I was dealing with everything a few weeks ago, I really have come a long way in just a month - I'm not crying constantly, I don't feel like driving off a cliff, I'm eating and sleeping (mostly), and I'm starting to get back into the routine of taking my vitamins. I can thank my sister for most of this - she's been on my case constantly reminding me in a loving way that I need to take care of myself. I can actually laugh, too! I am making an appointment to talk to a grief counselor soon - that's something else I need to do for myself, and then I'll see if it's necessary for Jacob to see someone, too. He'll probably need it in the future when he's a bit older than he does right now. He's handling things pretty good. His fear that I'm going to abandon him isn't as bad. A few times when I was going somewhere or when dropping him off at school, he would scream for me not to leave him, clutching my leg. I promised him I was coming back, but it didn't matter. It was like ripping my heart out to leave him, but I had to do it because otherwise, how would he understand that I really am coming back for him?
Today, Jacob said, "I'm gonna blow up Daddy's chair (his recliner in the living room) because he doesn't need it anymore."
I said, "But don't you think of Daddy when you look at it?"
"Yes" said Jacob.
"And don't you feel closer to him when you sit in it?"
"Yes" said Jacob.
"Then, we want to take good care of it and keep it around, right?"
"Yes" said Jacob with a smile.